Makin' Mutton

Yesterday I had some very satisfying mutton. Most people think that, because I'm a barbarian, I'm violent in everything I do. Well those people are basically right, but I could tell from the start that this mutton was different. I was about to enjoy a particularly juicy, tender, well seasoned piece of meat. I started slowly, just putting my hands on it, feeling its warmth. I like to work things around to make sure all the juices are flowing.

Next it was time to get down to business. Gently lifting one of the legs, I simply smelled it. The aroma was intoxicating. It's really a waste if you just lay in without taking your time on quality cuts like this. Before long I couldn't help myself though, and the juices were running down my chin and all over my superbly muscled, well defined and evenly tanned pectorals.

As much as I was enjoying myself, it was my barbarianly duty to quit playing around like some noble afraid to wrinkle his silk loincloth. Let the satiation commence! Now I'm not one to brag about how amazing I am, but I am pretty amazing. Once I finished I took a little break to let everything settle and wait for the crowds that had gathered to watch to disperse. Then I booted the wench out of my tent because I wanted to go run through some sword-play drills.

What is Best in Life I

Last month, someone wrote:

Conan,
my blood is not from a righteous Cimmerian ancestry. how do i become a fantastic warrior as you?
steroids? pectal implants? magical blessing of a half-serpent half-goat deity?
what is your secret of ravaging success?

If I were like this, I would be too ashamed to sign my name, too, anonymous.

First let us be clear that ancestry has little to do with it. Unless you're from Stygia, there's nothing inherently wrong with you. From that land come the foulest of sorcerers and never has history seen a mighty Stygian warrior.

I'm sorry to say that there is no one secret. You must love battle. You must be fierce in spirit and uncompromising in the face of your foes. After grueling trials brought to you by fate and the gods, you will naturally become a mighty warrior.

However, there doesn't seem to be much hope for you in particular. You mention implants and a boon from some cursed goddess. If that's the way you lean, your best bet is probably to find the nearest mighty warrior and get as close to them as possible. Stand in their very shadow and you may be able to catch some of the left-overs. This may sound disheartening, but you should see some of the women I kick out of my bed.

Once you've ingratiated yourself with the nearest legend, make note of all he does. This is not so you can imitate him. Instead, write down his exploits. Maybe set some to verse and/or music. Helping to increase his renown only increases the quality of the things he casts off, which you may then pick up.

For more advice, just post questions in comments.